Typically, I’m the one reading relationship blog
posts—not writing them. Having said that, it was a relationship related
article that inspired me to write one! Although I am far from being a
relationship guru, I’ve learned quite a bit in my nineteen years of life.
At the very least, I’ve gained knowledge through observation and education.
In other words, my perspective of relationships is formed by my upbringing and
worldview.
For starters, let’s talk about the poor choices I
made in the realm of relationships:
During my preteen/adolescent years, I sought
attention like no other. Although the attention I sought wasn’t
necessarily from guys alone, I simply “dressed to impress” (and let me tell
you, it was anything but impressive). After getting over myself and the
drama that followed, I began to mature. By the time I was sixteen, I thought
I could handle the responsibility of a “relationship” [insert the,
“who-knows-what” for who-knows-how-long]. Needless to say, my desperation
for attention and longing for love reached a boiling point. To my dismay,
a healthy desire for love quickly turned into lust. Before I knew
it, I was consumed with fantasies that surpassed boundaries I wouldn’t dare
cross in reality. Thankfully, by God’s good grace and the power of the
Holy Spirit I never acted on my desires.
To this day, I constantly recite James
1:13-15 as a reminder of the consequences that follow temptation. The
punishment for sin is death, man reaps what he sows, creation worships created
things rather than the creator. Nonetheless, “no temptation has seized
you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be
tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also
provide a way out so that you can stand up under it” (1 Corinthians
10:13).
When I was going through the “who-knows-what” for
who-knows-how-long, I found myself wrapped up in a “relationship” that
identified who I was. The strangest part is, since nothing became
“official” I didn’t expect things to end in disappointment. Sadly, an
unofficial relationship doesn’t come with an insurance policy against broken
hearts.
Next time you find yourself in a scenario such as
mine, ask yourself, “is my identity in Christ?” and “do I trust him with my whole
life?” If the answer to either of those questions is “no” (for you or the
person you are interested in), perhaps now isn’t the best time to pursue a
relationship.
Although I made some poor choices in the past, I also made some good ones in the process:
1. Make Lists.
For many of us girls, it’s a breeze to jot down a
bullet point list of characteristics we seek in a husband. In fact, some
began making lists when they were nine and have been updating them ever
since! However, that’s not exactly the kind of list I’m referring
to. Back in my junior high days, I decided to begin a “husband has to”
list. Not long after writing it, I realized I wasn’t making a list of
qualities for my future husband—I was making a list of qualities for my future
self. If marrying a humble man will transform me into a humble woman, than
pixie dust and happy thoughts will make me fly. Truth is, people marry as
they are—not who they wish to be. In my opinion, if you want a humble
husband, you need to work on humility yourself. Making a list of husband
qualities will open your eyes to the wife qualities you need to work on now.
It’s not your job to hold men to standards you wouldn’t hold yourself to.
If a man wants to marry a virtuous woman, but lives scandalously, he will only
attract scandals women. In the same way, if a woman wishes to marry a
godly man, she must seek to become a godly woman.
2. Keep Accountable.
Listen, I cannot stress this enough: if you want
to make it through your teenage and young adult years without giving into
sexual temptation, you must include others. As Christians, we have
the opportunity to be a part of a body of believers who build one another up in
truth and love. Since the goal is to be like Christ, we should constantly
involve others in our walk with God. Think about it: Jesus never once
carried out his mission alone. In fact, Jesus had twelve disciples, spoke
to multitudes, and ministered alongside people his entire life. In order
to live a life worthy of the calling (Ephesians
4), we can’t face trials and temptations on our own.
Fortunately, I have a set of loving parents who
know me better than anyone else. One of the best decisions I ever made
was to be 100% open and honest to my parents about my relationships with the
opposite sex. As a result, I gained two mentors that teach from their
past mistakes and give advice as needed. Although honesty and conviction
sound unromantic now, purity is always worth striving for.
Hopefully, all young Christians have leaders who can keep them
accountable—parents or not.
3. Don’t Settle.
Ladies, I don’t care how much you love that
special someone; if a young man is playing games with your heart and keeping
you within arm’s reach, he’ll drop you the second someone better comes
along. You’ve heard it all before and if you’re like me, you’ve read
plenty of articles about why you shouldn’t settle for less. In the blog
post I mentioned earlier (the one that inspired me), the writer talked about
being a “second choice girl.” Depending on the length of your attention
span, I suggest reading When
Did You Become a “Second Choice” Girl before continuing.
Throughout the majority of my teenage and young
adulthood, I felt burdened with the feeling of being second best. By
frequently over-analyzing relationships, I became familiar with the “second
choice girl” mentality. It wasn’t long after the “who-knows-what” that I
realized my self-esteem was low in all areas of my life. Often
times, I felt less valuable than other girls and—as a result—settled for less
because I foolishly thought I was unworthy of more. Reality is, constant
comparison is self-demeaning, destructive, and immature. As Theodore
Roosevelt once said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”
Although I’m sure I could add more, I’m going to conclude with this final thought: the pursuit of purity isn’t for yourself. Allow me to explain, if you read this whole post and walk away encouraged, that’s great. However, the goal of purity is first for God and then for your spouse. Chances are, you’re going to marry a guy as messed up as you are. In fact, the chances are 1 in 1. Thankfully, there is hope: all things are possible through God—including marriage. Apart from God, marriage is messy and disappointing. Although, as my mom pointed out, "even with God, marriage can be messy and disappointing at times. God just gives us the strength and reason to stick with it if we let him."
If the goal of marriage is happiness, chances are it will end. As John Mark Comer points out in his book Loveology, half of marriages end in divorce (that’s a coin toss). However, something beautiful happens when you bring two broken people together who love God and use each other as catalyst for growth.
So young singles, remain steadfast in pursuit of purity, “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, [and] give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).
Although I’m sure I could add more, I’m going to conclude with this final thought: the pursuit of purity isn’t for yourself. Allow me to explain, if you read this whole post and walk away encouraged, that’s great. However, the goal of purity is first for God and then for your spouse. Chances are, you’re going to marry a guy as messed up as you are. In fact, the chances are 1 in 1. Thankfully, there is hope: all things are possible through God—including marriage. Apart from God, marriage is messy and disappointing. Although, as my mom pointed out, "even with God, marriage can be messy and disappointing at times. God just gives us the strength and reason to stick with it if we let him."
If the goal of marriage is happiness, chances are it will end. As John Mark Comer points out in his book Loveology, half of marriages end in divorce (that’s a coin toss). However, something beautiful happens when you bring two broken people together who love God and use each other as catalyst for growth.
So young singles, remain steadfast in pursuit of purity, “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, [and] give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).